{"id":1014,"date":"2024-02-21T20:50:35","date_gmt":"2024-02-21T18:50:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/laszlo8360.com\/?p=1014"},"modified":"2024-06-09T17:33:43","modified_gmt":"2024-06-09T15:33:43","slug":"2024-februar-21","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/laszlo8360.com\/en\/2024-februar-21\/","title":{"rendered":"!!!2024. febru\u00e1r 21."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Poszttraum\u00e1s stressz szindr\u00f3ma – PTSD<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

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Welcome to the radio programme ‘In Spirit’ by Endre Kadarkai.
Today’s topic of discussion is trauma. Have you ever experienced any traumas in your life? It’s a reminder that traumas can have lasting effects on our lives. The narrator reflects on this question and concludes that, like everyone else, they have.
The narrator shares a personal story about an accident that occurred when they were two years old, involving their parents and a totaled car. The narrator’s mother notes that their hands have been shaking ever since.
The expert explains that one symptom of the condition is involuntary reliving of the experience.
When processing grief, even indirectly, I recall crying on the terrace of my former workplace after speaking with my family. Unfortunately, I cannot recall the cause or reason for my tears. At that moment, I realised that my grandmother, who had taken on the role of my mother, was in the advanced stages of dementia and would not recover. On November 1st, I visited her in the hospital alone. She asked me to get her drunk. By then, she was unable to move. Afterwards, I walked home feeling confused and unable to comprehend what had just happened. Maybe my subconscious was unwilling to accept what I had witnessed. The following day, my father, brother, and I visited my blind grandpa together. While I was focused on assisting him if needed, I didn’t even realize that my dad and brother had briefly left the room. I have a peculiar habit of always worrying about those who are left behind. I noticed that Mum had fallen asleep, but I didn’t think it was unusual since I’ve seen her sleep before. For instance, when I was a child, I used to watch television by crawling into bed with my parents. It became suspicious when Dad tried to wake me up but failed. I followed my brother out into the yard to inform him that Mama was asleep. He explained that he had rushed outside because he was unable to hold back his tears. He also mentioned that he had already contacted the doctor, who would arrive shortly to determine the time of death. It was hard to comprehend what was happening. A few minutes later, I returned to find Dad still trying to wake Mum. I placed my hand on his shoulder and suggested we step outside for some fresh air. Shortly after, a nurse arrived and placed a screen around the bed. Despite my repeated requests for Dad to take a break and get some air, I did not shed any tears that day, nor will I in the future. I believe we let him go on the terrace, where his marriage of forty-eight years came to an end.
In 2016, three years later, I experienced a traumatic event when I went home with my resignation papers. While sitting on the stairs, my partner read the papers and told me that he would rather move back in with his grandmother than pay for it. In a moment of impulse, I told him to leave, but immediately regretted it as I had been planning to ask him to marry me. It took me six months to finally ask him to leave. I remember walking alone in the city, trying to figure out what to say to him while battling with my feelings of love. Sometimes, my mind flashes back to a moment two months prior when I was sitting on my bed one Sunday morning after speaking to my father on the phone. My father only calls when there is a death in the family. Recalling the past can be tough, but we’ve all been there. On that occasion, my grandfather had fallen off a peach tree. The first thing that came to mind was that he did not suffer in his final moments. He was passionate about gardening and was able to continue doing what he loved until the very end. Unfortunately, six months later, we received the news that he had passed away in the hospital. After experiencing a fall, an ambulance was called because he was experiencing back pain and he managed to get into the ambulance despite limping. It was reported that the visually impaired grandfather fell off the hospital bed on Saturday night and was unable to locate the nurse call button. Reportedly, his fellow patients heard him moaning, but by the time the nurses arrived, he was unconscious. The image that comes to mind is of me sitting on the bed, looking down at myself after my partner told me he wouldn’t be accompanying me to the funeral in the country because he always falls ill at funerals. I simply asked him not to leave me alone, not to make me travel alone, and not to attend the service. It’s a distressing situation, and I can only imagine how scary it must have been for him. It’s a difficult time, and I really needed his support. I sit on the bed and wonder if he truly meant it!
Sometimes, when I turn off my phone, I remember the HTC phone I had that almost slipped out of my hand. I was so upset that my hand was shaking, and tears blurred the display. The police confiscated the phone as a crime scene.
Looking back on it now, the memory that remains is one of everything being grey. I removed the grey string from my sweater before being taken to a cell where I sat on a plastic couch and stared at the grey walls. As I was escorted to the bathroom, I cried.
Sometimes when I hold a knife, I get a feeling that I don’t care if I accidentally cut into my meat.
I had promised the evening guests that I would fry the liver. This was right after I was locked up in jail for three hours. I felt no pain whatsoever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes memories come unexpectedly, but they rarely affect my mood for more than an hour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you ever avoid things that remind you of past traumas, even those from ten years ago?
By the way, have you ever watched flower pots twirl in the dark? In just a few minutes, a tornado ripped the roof off our house. I remember feeling a bit overwhelmed as I looked out at the destruction on our street. I wonder if others see it the same way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s funny how past experiences can affect us, isn’t it? They say that past traumas can hold us back from happiness and peace. But despite all that, I feel pretty content with my life right now.
I didn’t have any new girlfriends after the sake story. However, I did live with an ex-girlfriend from high school for six months. Unfortunately, there was no possibility of a successful courtship due to emotional distance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The phrases ’emotionally frozen’ and ‘after the shock effect\u2026 a state of paralysis’ really made me reflect. I don’t deny stories, but rather, after a while, I accept and share them. For instance, when I walked home after being released from prison, with my shoelaces in my hands and the bow of my sweater, I felt a sense of emptiness. Maybe this is how a computer feels during a blue-screen freeze – a boring phase. Maybe this is how a computer feels during a blue-screen freeze – a boring phase. How can I regain my sense of security?
Maybe this is how a computer feels during a blue-screen freeze – a boring phase. When I feel empty but want to talk about it, I find it hard to put my thoughts into words.
How can I regain my sense of security? What symptoms could be related to post-traumatic stress?
How might these impact my unsuccessful romantic pursuits?
‘Behaviour therapy. Assisting you in getting back on that bus, that car.’ Someone could help me get back in sync with love. While I still maintain that my life is complete on my own, having a woman’s hand of confidence and security could break down these empty walls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Emotion journaling.” Again?! After the breakup story, I purchased a book called The Gratitude Diary, which I loved. However, I only managed to read a third of it before it lost its significance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The book suggested that I
“make it like it never happened” or, at the very least, “relive and accept.” I found myself wondering about the positive transformations that could arise from a divorce or a prison visit. For example, if we get burned by a fire, it’s natural to feel hesitant around fire in the future. However, it’s important to remember that there are always opportunities for growth and learning, even in difficult situations. It’s okay to feel broken, but it’s also possible to rediscover ourselves and become stronger in the process. While it may be hard to feel grateful after experiencing incarceration or losing a loved one, it’s possible to find new meaning and purpose in life. It can be difficult to see the positive side of things, especially when we have experienced pain or loss.
Although you initially felt like running away in both situations, you knew you had to move on. After your release from prison, you relocated to Montenegro and discovered the beauty of life. Similarly, following your breakup, you moved to the suburbs and found that life is full of small pleasures.
‘Living is what you can make of it.’ You also managed to overcome the impossible by getting out of jail. It’s funny, but I’ve noticed that I feel much more at ease since the breakup. I just couldn’t handle it. The main reason for our split was that we argued a lot. He wanted me to improve my knowledge and financial situation, but his approach was too forceful and pushy. It can be tough to think about something every day. Even though he scolds me for wanting what’s best for me, he claims to offer supportive advice. Could you please summarize your advice in a neutral tone? Thanks to him, I can express myself better, especially with emphasis. Instead of getting upset, let’s try to see through the tsunami of anger and focus on the emotions behind it. Your work abroad, and therefore your entire current life, is owed to him. He often advised you to leave and work on a boat, which you did not want to do without him. After my most recent relationship ended, I remembered him mentioning the potential profitability of owning a boat.
However, I still wonder if things would have been different if I hadn’t faced financial ruin. Hey there! Have you noticed that many women nowadays are concerned about whether a man can financially support a family of three during childbirth? It’s a valid question, and I understand why it might be on your mind. This is something that many people worry about, but with the right planning and preparation, it’s definitely achievable. It’s important to be able to convincingly demonstrate this ability and provide for your family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“Dans l’\u00e2me – L’\u00e9mission de radio d’Endre Kadarkai.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Comment d\u00e9finissons-nous le traumatisme ? Y a-t-il eu des traumatismes dans ma vie ? En y r\u00e9fl\u00e9chissant, oui, comme pour tout le monde.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Je ne m’en souviens pas, mais \u00e0 l’\u00e2ge de deux ans, j’ai eu un accident avec mes parents. La voiture \u00e9tait compl\u00e8tement d\u00e9truite. Selon ma m\u00e8re, depuis ce jour, ma main tremble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Les experts disent que l’un des sympt\u00f4mes est de revivre involontairement. J’en ai quelques-uns, comme tout le monde.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Si le processus de deuil, m\u00eame en discussion l\u00e9g\u00e8re, est mentionn\u00e9, je me souviens \u00eatre assis en pleurs sur la terrasse de mon travail \u00e0 l’\u00e9poque ; apr\u00e8s avoir parl\u00e9 \u00e0 ma famille. Je ne me souviens m\u00eame pas avec qui et de quoi il s’agissait. Tout ce que je sais, c’est qu’\u00e0 ce moment-l\u00e0, j’ai compris que ma grand-m\u00e8re (qui \u00e9tait plus une m\u00e8re pour moi que ma m\u00e8re) \u00e9tait dans la phase finale de la d\u00e9mence et qu’elle ne sortirait plus de cet h\u00f4pital vivante. Le 1er novembre, je suis entr\u00e9 seul \u00e0 l’h\u00f4pital. Elle m’a demand\u00e9 de la faire boire. Elle ne pouvait plus bouger. En rentrant chez moi, je ne comprenais pas ce qui se passait. Apparemment, l’inconscient ne voulait pas accepter ce qu’il avait vu. Le lendemain, nous sommes all\u00e9s la voir ensemble. Mon grand-p\u00e8re, mon p\u00e8re et moi. Je n’ai m\u00eame pas remarqu\u00e9 \u00e0 un certain moment o\u00f9 mon p\u00e8re et mon fr\u00e8re sortaient pr\u00e9cipitamment de la pi\u00e8ce. Pour ma part, je me suis concentr\u00e9 sur l’aide \u00e0 mon grand-p\u00e8re aveugle si n\u00e9cessaire. (J’ai une “\u00e9trange” habitude de m’inqui\u00e9ter toujours pour celui qui reste. ) Je vois ma grand-m\u00e8re s’endormir. Je ne me rendais m\u00eame pas compte de ce qui se passait. Donc, je n’ai pas trouv\u00e9 \u00e9trange, je l’ai d\u00e9j\u00e0 vue dormir. Par exemple, quand j’\u00e9tais enfant, j’avais l’habitude de regarder la t\u00e9l\u00e9vision en me faufilant dans leur lit. C’est devenu suspect lorsque mon p\u00e8re a essay\u00e9 de la r\u00e9veiller, mais il n’a pas r\u00e9ussi. Je suis sorti dans la cour pour retrouver mon fr\u00e8re et lui dire que grand-m\u00e8re dormait. Ils ont dit qu’ils \u00e9taient sortis parce qu’ils ne pouvaient pas retenir leurs larmes. Ils ont ajout\u00e9 qu’ils avaient d\u00e9j\u00e0 inform\u00e9 le m\u00e9decin qui arriverait bient\u00f4t pour constater la mort. Quoi ?! L’inconscient ne voulait pas comprendre ce qui se passait. Quelques minutes plus tard, je suis revenu, mon p\u00e8re essayait toujours de r\u00e9veiller ma grand-m\u00e8re. J’ai pos\u00e9 ma main sur son \u00e9paule. C’est alors que j’ai demand\u00e9 de sortir un peu d’air quand une infirmi\u00e8re est arriv\u00e9e avec un paravent autour du lit. Je pense que j’ai dit au moins dix fois \u00e0 mon p\u00e8re que nous devrions sortir un peu d’air ce jour-l\u00e0, et plus tard, je n’ai pas vers\u00e9 de larmes pour cela. Je pense que je l’ai laiss\u00e9 partir sur cette terrasse. Leur mariage a dur\u00e9 quarante-huit ans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trois ans plus tard, l’ann\u00e9e 2016 a \u00e9t\u00e9 traumatisante pour moi. La premi\u00e8re exp\u00e9rience r\u00e9currente \u00e9tait lorsque je suis rentr\u00e9 \u00e0 la maison avec les papiers de d\u00e9mission du travail. Je m’assieds sur les escaliers et ma partenaire lit les papiers, puis elle annonce que si elle doit payer \u00e0 cause de cela, elle pr\u00e9f\u00e8re retourner vivre chez sa grand-m\u00e8re. Pris par l’\u00e9motion, j’ai r\u00e9pondu alors qu’elle devrait partir. Ensuite, j’ai souvent pr\u00e9sent\u00e9 des excuses, car j’ai imm\u00e9diatement pens\u00e9 \u00e0 l’\u00e9poque o\u00f9 je r\u00e9fl\u00e9chissais \u00e0 la fa\u00e7on de lui demander en mariage. Moins de six mois plus tard, c’\u00e9tait \u00e0 moi de lui demander de partir. C’\u00e9tait difficile. Le souvenir qui me revient parfois, c’est que je marchais seul dans la ville, en composant mentalement les mots que j’utiliserais pour la renvoyer, tout en me d\u00e9battant avec moi-m\u00eame parce que je l’aimais. Parfois, je me souviens d’un incident deux mois auparavant, quand je suis assis sur le lit un dimanche matin apr\u00e8s avoir parl\u00e9 \u00e0 mon p\u00e8re au t\u00e9l\u00e9phone. Mon p\u00e8re n’appelle que<\/p>\n\n\n\n

lorsqu’une personne d\u00e9c\u00e8de. Le grand-p\u00e8re est tomb\u00e9 de l’arbre \u00e0 p\u00eaches. La premi\u00e8re chose qui m’est venue \u00e0 l’esprit, c’est qu’il n’y a jamais eu de meilleure mort, car il aimait le jardin, et \u00e0 la fin de sa vie, il faisait encore ce qu’il aimait. Six mois plus tard, nous avons appris une histoire de commode \u00e0 l’h\u00f4pital. (Mon p\u00e8re n’est pas mort dans le jardin mais \u00e0 l’h\u00f4pital. Apr\u00e8s la chute, ils ont appel\u00e9 une ambulance parce que son dos lui faisait mal, il est mont\u00e9 dans l’ambulance lui-m\u00eame – boitant, il est vrai.) Para\u00eet-il que mon grand-p\u00e8re aveugle est tomb\u00e9 de son lit d’h\u00f4pital un samedi soir et n’a pas trouv\u00e9 l’appel de l’infirmi\u00e8re. Apparemment, les compagnons de chambre ont entendu ses g\u00e9missements, mais lorsque les infirmi\u00e8res sont arriv\u00e9es, il \u00e9tait d\u00e9j\u00e0 inconscient. Donc, l’image qui me revient parfois, c’est que je suis assis sur le lit, regardant droit devant moi, apr\u00e8s que ma partenaire a annonc\u00e9 qu’elle ne viendrait pas \u00e0 l’enterrement (dans ma ville natale) avec moi, car elle se sent mal aux fun\u00e9railles. Tout ce que je lui ai demand\u00e9, c’est de ne pas me laisser seul, de ne pas avoir \u00e0 voyager seul, de ne pas avoir \u00e0 participer \u00e0 la c\u00e9r\u00e9monie. Je suis assis sur le lit et je me demande vraiment si elle a dit cela s\u00e9rieusement !<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parfois, quand je ferme mon t\u00e9l\u00e9phone, je me souviens d’un HTC que j’avais, que j’ai \u00e9teint de mani\u00e8re \u00e0 ce qu’il faillisse presque tomber de ma main : ma main tremblait beaucoup ; l’\u00e9cran \u00e9tait illisible \u00e0 cause de mes larmes. La police a confisqu\u00e9 le t\u00e9l\u00e9phone comme preuve criminelle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Puis je saute de quelques ann\u00e9es. L’image qui reste est que tout est gris. Je tire le cordon gris de mon pull avant d’\u00eatre envoy\u00e9 en cellule, o\u00f9 je regarde les murs gris sur un lit en plastique gris. Puis, alors que je m’\u00e9chappe aux toilettes, je fonds en larmes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parfois, quand je tiens un couteau dans ma main, me revient une ambiance o\u00f9 je me moque de savoir si je me coupe la chair (accidentellement), j’ai promis aux invit\u00e9s de la soir\u00e9e que je ferais cuire le foie. C’\u00e9tait juste apr\u00e8s avoir \u00e9t\u00e9 emprisonn\u00e9 pendant trois heures. Je n’ai ressenti aucune douleur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Donc, parfois, des choses me reviennent compl\u00e8tement inattendues, mais je suppose que cela arrive \u00e0 d’autres aussi. Aujourd’hui, ces \u00e9clairs de m\u00e9moire sont rarement suivis d’une d\u00e9t\u00e9rioration de l’humeur de plus d’une heure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Est-ce que j’\u00e9vite quelque chose parce que cela me rappelle un traumatisme ? Une sorte de traumatisme (?) de quand j’avais environ dix ans est sombre, je regarde les pots de fleurs s’\u00e9lever, tourbillonner dans l’air. En quelques minutes, une tornade a d\u00e9truit le toit de notre maison. \u00c0 l’\u00e9poque, je ne r\u00e9alisais pas \u00e0 quel point il \u00e9tait grave de voir la rue en ruines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Est-ce que je refoule quelque chose ?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Un traumatisme ant\u00e9rieur peut emp\u00eacher de vivre le bonheur et l’harmonie.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cependant, il me semble que ma vie va bien maintenant. Un observateur ext\u00e9rieur dirait-il la m\u00eame chose de moi ?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Curieusement, apr\u00e8s l’histoire ci-dessus, je n’ai pas eu de nouvelle petite amie. Enfin, j’ai v\u00e9cu avec une ex-petite amie de lyc\u00e9e pendant six mois. Avec elle, il n’y avait pas de question de savoir si la cour \u00e9tait r\u00e9ussie ou non.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“\u00c9tat gel\u00e9 \u00e9motionnellement.” C’est intrigant…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“\u00c9tat de paralysie apr\u00e8s un choc.” Je ne nie pas les histoires, au contraire, apr\u00e8s un certain temps, je les assume et les raconte. Cependant, j’ai souvent ressenti une sorte de gel, comme un ordinateur gel\u00e9 lors d’un crash de type \u00e9cran bleu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Phase d’engourdissement.” Quand je me sens toujours vide mais que je veux vraiment en parler, seulement je ne peux pas encore le formuler.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Restauration de l’exp\u00e9rience de s\u00e9curit\u00e9.” Comment ? Quels sont les sympt\u00f4mes qui pourraient \u00eatre li\u00e9s \u00e0 un \u00e9tat de stress post-traumatique ?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Quel impact ces tentatives infructueuses de courtiser ont-elles ?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Th\u00e9rapie comportementale. Aider \u00e0 remonter \u00e0 bord de ce bus, de cette voiture.” Quelqu’un pourrait m’aider \u00e0 me remettre sur la longueur d’onde de l’amour. Je maintiens toujours que ma vie est compl\u00e8te m\u00eame seul, mais une main f\u00e9minine confiante et s\u00e9curisante pourrait \u00e9gayer ces murs vides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Journalisation des \u00e9motions.” Encore ? Apr\u00e8s l’histoire de la rupture, j’ai achet\u00e9 un livre intitul\u00e9 “Gratitude Journal”. Je l’ai ador\u00e9. Je suis all\u00e9 jusqu’au tiers du livre. Ensuite, je n’ai tout simplement plus ressenti son importance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Agir comme si cela ne s’\u00e9tait jamais produit – cela n’arrive pas.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Revivre et accepter au plus petit niveau.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“J’ai pu tirer quelque chose de tout cela.” Mais quoi ? Quelles sont les transformations positives d’une rupture ou d’une visite en prison ? Parce que \u00e9videmment, ce n’est pas un b\u00e9n\u00e9fice positif si, par exemple, vous vous br\u00fblez et que vous dites, tant mieux, je n’irai plus jamais pr\u00e8s du feu. Je ne sais pas quoi faire de \u00e7a. Pourquoi devrais-je \u00eatre reconnaissant apr\u00e8s une incarc\u00e9ration ? Pourquoi devrais-je \u00eatre reconnaissant apr\u00e8s avoir perdu la femme que j’aimais ?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suis-je devenu une meilleure personne?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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L\u00e9lekben – Kadarkai Endre r\u00e1di\u00f3m\u0171sora.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mit h\u00edvunk traum\u00e1nak? Az \u00e9n \u00e9letemben voltak traum\u00e1k? \u00cdgy visszagondolva, igen, mint b\u00e1rki m\u00e1snak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nem eml\u00e9kszem r\u00e1, de k\u00e9t \u00e9vesen bal\u00adesetet szenvedt\u00fcnk a sz\u00fcleimmel. A kocsi teljesen  \u00f6sszet\u00f6rt. Any\u00e1m szerint az\u00f3ta remeg a kezem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Azt mondja a szak\u00e9rt\u0151, hogy az egyik t\u00fcnet, hogy akarat\u00e1n k\u00edv\u00fcl \u00fajra \u00e9s \u00fajra \u00e1t\u00e9li. Ilyenb\u0151l van egy p\u00e1r – mint b\u00e1rki m\u00e1sn\u00e1l.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ha a gy\u00e1sz feldolgoz\u00e1sa, ak\u00e1rcsak \u00e9rint\u0151legesen is sz\u00f3ba ker\u00fcl, akkor beugrik, hogy az akkori munkahelyem terasz\u00e1n s\u00edrok; miut\u00e1n besz\u00e9ltem a csal\u00e1dommal. M\u00e1r nem is em\u00adl\u00e9kszem, hogy kivel \u00e9s mit. Azt tudom, hogy akkor \u00e9s ott esett le, hogy a nagymam\u00e1m. (aki any\u00e1m helyett any\u00e1m volt) a demencia v\u00e9gs\u0151 st\u00e1dium\u00e1n\u00e1l tart, \u00e9s abb\u00f3l a k\u00f3rh\u00e1zb\u00f3l m\u00e1r nem fog \u00e9lve kij\u00f6nni. November elsej\u00e9n egyed\u00fcl bementem a korh\u00e1zba. Arra k\u00e9rt, hogy ittassam meg. Mozogni m\u00e1r nem tudott. Ut\u00e1na hazafel\u00e9 s\u00e9t\u00e1ltam, \u00e9s nem \u00e9rtettem mi t\u00f6rt\u00e9nik. Val\u00f3sz\u00edn\u00fcleg a tudatalatti nem akarta elfogadni a l\u00e1tot\u00adtakat. M\u00e1snap bement\u00fcnk hozz\u00e1 k\u00f6z\u00f6sen. Nagypapa, ap\u00e1m, \u00e9s \u00f6ccs\u00e9mmel. Nekem fel sem t\u0171nt, hogy ap\u00e1m \u00e9s tes\u00f3m egy adott ponton kirohan a szob\u00e1b\u00f3l. J\u00f3 magam arra koncentr\u00e1ltam, hogy a vak nagypap\u00e1mat seg\u00edtsen, ha sz\u00fcks\u00e9ges. (Meg van egy “fura” szok\u00e1\u00adsom, hogy \u00e9n mindig az\u00e9rt agg\u00f3dom, aki h\u00e1tramarad.) L\u00e1tom, hogy a mama elaludt. Fel sem fogtam mi t\u00f6rt\u00e9nik. Teh\u00e1t nem tartottam k\u00fcl\u00f6n\u00f6snek, l\u00e1ttam m\u00e1r m\u00e1skor is aludni. P\u00e9ld\u00e1ul, kisgyerekk\u00e9nt az volt a szok\u00e1som, hogy \u00fagy n\u00e9zem a televizi\u00f3t, hogy beb\u00fajok k\u00f6z\u00e9j\u00fck az \u00e1gyba. Akkor lett gyan\u00fas, amikor a papa pr\u00f3b\u00e1lta \u00e9bresztgetni, de nem siker\u00fclt neki. Ki is mentem az udvarra a tes\u00f3m ut\u00e1n, hogy elmondjam, hogy a mama alszik. \u0150k mondt\u00e1k, hogy az\u00e9rt rohantak ki, mert nem b\u00edrj\u00e1k k\u00f6nnyek n\u00e9lk\u00fcl. Hozz\u00e1tett\u00e9k, hogy m\u00e1r sz\u00f3ltak az orvosnak, aka hamarosan \u00e9rkezik \u00e9s meg\u00e1llap\u00edtja a hal\u00e1l be\u00e1llt\u00e1t. Hogy mit?!  A tudatalatti, nem akarta felfogni mi t\u00f6rt\u00e9nik. P\u00e1r perc m\u00falva visszamentem, a papa m\u00e9g mindig a mam\u00e1t \u00e9bresztgette. V\u00e1ll\u00e1ra tettem a kezem. Akkor k\u00e9rtem meg, hogy menj\u00fcnk ki mi is a leveg\u0151re amikor j\u00f6tt a n\u0151v\u00e9r \u00e9s egy parav\u00e1nt tolt az \u00e1gy k\u00f6r\u00e9. Szerintem t\u00edzszer is sz\u00f3ltam a pap\u00e1nak, hogy men\u00fcnk ki egy picit a leveg\u0151re. Azon a napon, \u00e9s k\u00e9s\u0151bb sem ejtetem miatta k\u00f6nnyeket. Azt hiszem \u00e9n ott a teraszon engedtem el. Negyvennyolc \u00e9vig tartott a h\u00e1zass\u00e1ga.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

H\u00e1rom \u00e9vvel k\u00e9s\u0151bb a k\u00e9tezertizenhatos egy traumati\u00adkus \u00e9v volt nekem. Az els\u0151 visszat\u00e9r\u0151 \u00e9lm\u00e9ny, amikor hazamentem a munkahelyi felmond\u00e1s pap\u00edrjaival. \u00dcl\u00f6k a l\u00e9pcs\u0151n \u00e9s a p\u00e1rom olvassa pap\u00edrokat, majd k\u00f6zli, hogy ha neki emiatt fizetnie kell, akkor ink\u00e1bb visszak\u00f6lt\u00f6zik a nagymam\u00e1j\u00e1hoz. Indulatb\u00f3l r\u00e1v\u00e1gtam, hogy akkor menj. Azt\u00e1n s\u0171r\u0171n bocs\u00e1natot k\u00e9rtem, mert azonnal eszembe jutott, akkoriban azon gondolkoztam hogyan k\u00e9r\u00adjem meg a kez\u00e9t. Alig f\u00e9l \u00e9v m\u00falva \u00e9n k\u00e9rtem meg, hogy menjen el. Neh\u00e9z volt. Az eml\u00e9k, ami n\u00e9ha beugrik, hogy s\u00e9t\u00e1lok egyed\u00fcl a v\u00e1rosban \u00e9s mik\u00f6zben fogalmazom magamban, hogy milyen szavakkal fogom elk\u00fcldeni, k\u00f6zben viaskodom magammal, hogy de h\u00e1t \u00e9n szeretem \u0151t. N\u00e9ha bevillan egy k\u00e9t h\u00f3nappal kor\u00e1bbi eset, amikor egy vas\u00e1rnap reggel \u00fcl\u00f6k az \u00e1gyon, miut\u00e1n besz\u00e9ltem ap\u00e1mmal telefon\u00adon. Ap\u00e1m csak akkor h\u00edv, ha valaki meghal. A nagypapa leesett a barackf\u00e1r\u00f3l. Az els\u0151 ami beugrott, hogy soha rosszabb hal\u00e1lt, mert im\u00e1dta kertet, \u00e9lete v\u00e9g\u00e9n is azt csin\u00e1lta amit szeret. F\u00e9l \u00e9vvel k\u00e9s\u0151bb \u00e9rtes\u00fclt\u00fcnk egy k\u00f3rh\u00e1zi pelty\u00e1r\u00f3l. (A papa nem a kertben halt meg, hanem a korh\u00e1zban. Az es\u00e9s ut\u00e1n kih\u00edvt\u00e1k a ment\u0151t, mert f\u00e1jt a h\u00e1ta, a ment\u0151be m\u00e9g \u00f6n maga \u00fclt be.- igaz s\u00e1nt\u00edtva.) \u00c1ll\u00edt\u00f3lag a vak nagypapa, szombat \u00e9jjel leesett a k\u00f3r\u00adh\u00e1zi \u00e1gyr\u00f3l \u00e9s nem tal\u00e1lta meg a n\u0151v\u00e9r h\u00edv\u00f3t. \u00c1ll\u00edt\u00f3lag a beteg t\u00e1rsai hallott\u00e1k a ny\u00f6sz\u00f6rg\u00e9s\u00e9t, de mire megjelentek az \u00e1pol\u00f3k, m\u00e1r eszm\u00e9letlen volt. Sz\u00f3val a k\u00e9p, ami n\u00e9ha beugrik, hogy \u00fcl\u00f6k az \u00e1gyon, \u00e9s n\u00e9zek magam el\u00e9, miut\u00e1n a p\u00e1rom k\u00f6z\u00f6lte hogy nem j\u00f6n el velem a temet\u00e9sre (vid\u00e9kre), mert \u0151 a temet\u00e9seken mindig rosszul lesz. \u00c9n csak azt k\u00e9rtem t\u0151le, hogy ne hagy\u00adjon magamra, ne kelljen egyed\u00fcl utaznom, nem kell a szertat\u00e1son r\u00e9szt venni. \u00dcl\u00f6k az \u00e1gyon \u00e9s azon gondolkozom , hogy \u0151 ezt most t\u00e9nyleg komolyan mondta?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

N\u00e9ha, amikor kikapcsolom a telefonom beugrik, hogy volt egy HTC m\u00e1rkaj\u00fa telefonon, amit \u00fagy kapcsoltam ki, hogy hogy majdnem kiesett k\u00f6zben a kezemb\u0151l: nagyon remegett a kezem; a kijelz\u0151t meg nem tudtam elolvasni a k\u00f6nnyeimm miatt. A mobilt lefoglalta a rend\u0151rs\u00e9g, mint b\u0171njelet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Azt\u00e1n ugrok p\u00e1r \u00e9vet. A k\u00e9p, ami megmaradt, hogy minden sz\u00fcrke. A sz\u00fcrke pul\u00f3veremb\u0151l h\u00fazom ki a sz\u00fcrke zsin\u00f3rt, miel\u0151tt bek\u00fcldenek egy z\u00e1rk\u00e1ba, ahol sz\u00fcrke m\u0171anyag hever\u0151n b\u00e1mulom a sz\u00fcrke falakat. Majd mik\u00f6zben kik\u00e9ret\u0151z\u00f6m mosd\u00f3ba, elb\u0151g\u00f6m magam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

N\u00e9ha amikor k\u00e9st fogok a kezembe, akkor beugrik egy hangulat, hogy nem<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00e9rdekel, hogy belev\u00e1gtam a h\u00fasomba (v\u00e9letlen\u00fcl), meg\u00edg\u00e9rtem az esti vend\u00e9geknek, hogy megs\u00fct\u00f6m a m\u00e1jat. Ez k\u00f6zvetlen azut\u00e1n volt, miut\u00e1n h\u00e1rom \u00f3r\u00e1ra b\u00f6rt\u00f6nbe z\u00e1rtak. Semmilyen f\u00e1jdalmat nem \u00e9reztem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sz\u00f3val, n\u00e9ha teljesen v\u00e1ratlanul beugranak dolgok, de gondolom m\u00e1soknak is. Ma m\u00e1r ritk\u00e1n k\u00eds\u00e9ri ezeket az eml\u00e9k felvillan\u00e1sokat egy \u00f3r\u00e1n\u00e1l tov\u00e1bb tart\u00f3 han\u00adgulat roml\u00e1s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Van olyan, amikor valamit az\u00e9rt ker\u00fcl\u00f6k el, mert egy traum\u00e1t juttat eszembe?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M\u00e9g egy kb. t\u00edz \u00e9ves kori trauma (?) s\u00f6t\u00e9t van, n\u00e9zem, ahogy a vir\u00e1g cserepek felemelkednek, forognak a leveg\u0151ben. P\u00e1r perc alatt kapta sz\u00e9t egy torn\u00e1d\u00f3 a h\u00e1zunk tetej\u00e9t. Akkoriban fel sem fogtam mennyire s\u00falyos dolog romokban l\u00e1tni az utc\u00e1t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vajon, elfojtok valamit?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Megakad\u00e1lyozhatja egy kor\u00e1bbi trauma, hogy \u00e1t\u00e9lj\u00e9k a boldogs\u00e1got \u00e9s a harm\u00f3ni\u00e1t.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mindazon\u00e1ltal, nekem \u00fagy t\u0171nik, hogy most rendben van az \u00e9letem. Vajon egy k\u00fcls\u0151 szem\u00adl\u00e9l\u0151 is ezt mondan\u00e1 r\u00f3lam?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Milyen \u00e9rdekes, a fenti szakitos sztori ut\u00e1n nem volt \u00faj bar\u00e1tn\u0151m. Illetve, f\u00e9l\u00e9vig egy\u00fctt \u00e9ltem egy k\u00f6z\u00e9piskol\u00e1s ex bar\u00e1tn\u0151mmel. N\u00e1la, nem volt olyan k\u00e9rd\u00e9s, hogy sikeres lesz e az udvarl\u00e1s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“\u00c9rzelmileg befagyott \u00e1llapot.” Ez elgondolkodtat\u00f3…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“A sokk hat\u00e1s ut\u00e1n… a b\u00e9nults\u00e1g \u00e1llapota…” Nem tagadni szoktam a t\u00f6rt\u00e9neteket, ink\u00e1bb, bizonyos id\u0151 ut\u00e1n, felv\u00e1llalni \u00e9s mes\u00e9lni. Viszont t\u00f6bbsz\u00f6r \u00e9reztem magam lefagyva, ak\u00e1r egy windows. P\u00e9ld\u00e1ul, amikor a b\u00f6rt\u00f6n ut\u00e1n s\u00e9t\u00e1ltam haza, kezemben a cip\u0151f\u0171z\u0151mmel \u00e9s pul\u00f3verem masnij\u00e1val, kiss\u00e9 \u00fcresnek \u00e9reztem mindent. Szerintem \u00edgy \u00e9rezheti mag\u00e1t egy sz\u00e1m\u00edt\u00f3g\u00e9p egy k\u00e9khal\u00e1l jelleg\u0171 lefagy\u00e1s pillanat\u00e1ban.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201eF\u00e1sultabb szakasz.” Amikor m\u00e9g mindig \u00fcresnek \u00e9rzem magam, de m\u00e1r nagyon akarok r\u00f3la besz\u00e9lni, csak m\u00e9g nem tudom megfogalmazni.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201eA biztons\u00e1g \u00e9lm\u00e9ny vissza \u00e1ll\u00edt\u00e1sa.” M\u00e9gis, hogy? Melyek azok a t\u00fcneteim amik esetleg egy poszttraum\u00e1s \u00e1llapot\u00adtal f\u00fcgghetnek \u00f6ssze?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Milyen hat\u00e1sa lehet ezeknek a sikertelen udvarl\u00e1si pr\u00f3b\u00e1lkoz\u00e1saimra?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Viselked\u00e9ster\u00e1pia. Seg\u00edteni, hogy \u00fajra fel tudjon \u00fclni arra a buszra, kocsira.” Valaki seg\u00edthetne, hogy \u00fajra fel tudjak \u00fclni a szerelem hull\u00e1m\u00adhossz\u00e1ra. Azt a t\u00e9telt tov\u00e1bbra is tartom, hogy az \u00e9n \u00e9letem egyed\u00fcl is teljes, de az\u00e9rt, de egy bizalmat \u00e1raszt\u00f3, biztons\u00e1got ad\u00f3 n\u0151i k\u00e9z feldobhatn\u00e1 ezeket az \u00fcres falakat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201e\u00c9rzelem napl\u00f3z\u00e1s.” Megint?! A szak\u00edt\u00e1s sztori ut\u00e1n vettem egy H\u00e1lanapl\u00f3 c\u00edm\u0171 k\u00f6nyvet. Im\u00e1dtam. Az egy harmad\u00e1ig jutottam. Ut\u00e1na m\u00e1r valahogy nem \u00e9reztem fontosnak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Olyan legyen, mintha nem t\u00f6rt\u00e9nt volna meg.- Ilyen nincs.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Legapr\u00f3bb m\u00e9rt\u00e9kig \u00fajra meg\u00e9l\u00e9se \u00e9s elfogadtat\u00e1sa.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Tudtam ebb\u0151l egy csom\u00f3 mindent hasznos\u00edtani.” M\u00e9gis mit?! Mik a pozit\u00edv transzform\u00e1ci\u00f3i egy v\u00e1l\u00e1snak vagy egy b\u00f6rt\u00f6n l\u00e1togat\u00e1snak? Mert az nyilv\u00e1n, nem egy pozit\u00edv hozad\u00e9k, hogy ha p\u00e9ld\u00e1ul meg\u00e9get a t\u0171z, akkor azt mondom, t\u00f6k j\u00f3, t\u00f6bbet nem megyek t\u0171z k\u00f6zel\u00e9be. Nem tudok ezzel mit kezdeni. Mi\u00e9rt legyek h\u00e1l\u00e1s egy beb\u00f6rt\u00f6nz\u00e9s ut\u00e1n. Mi\u00e9rt legyek h\u00e1l\u00e1s az im\u00e1dott n\u0151 elvesztet\u00e9se ut\u00e1n?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jobb ember lettem? Ink\u00e1bb megt\u00f6rt ember lettem. Tal\u00e1n, annyi, hogy \u00fajra felfedeztem \u00f6nmagam. Arra eml\u00e9kszem,hogy az (f\u00e1sults\u00e1g ut\u00e1ni) els\u0151 reakci\u00f3m a menek\u00fcl\u00e9s. Mindk\u00e9t esetben tudtam, hogy k\u00f6lt\u00f6zni fogok. A b\u00f6rt\u00f6n ut\u00e1n Montenegr\u00f3ba mentem \u00e9s r\u00e1j\u00f6ttem, hogy az \u00e9let sz\u00e9p. A szak\u00edt\u00e1s ut\u00e1n a k\u00fclv\u00e1rosba k\u00f6lt\u00f6z\u00adtem, ahol milli\u00f3szor meg\u00e1llap\u00edtottam, hogy tele az \u00e9let apr\u00f3 sz\u00e9ps\u00e9ggel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Anak a meg\u00e9l\u00e9se, hogy mire k\u00e9pes.” Kij\u00f6ttem a fogd\u00e1b\u00f3l is, ide nekem a lehetetlent! \u00c9s most ugrik be, hogy a szak\u00edt\u00e1s \u00f3ta sokkal higgadtabb vagyok. Ugyanis a konkr\u00e9t v\u00e1l\u00f3ok az volt, hogy t\u00fal sokat veszekedt\u00fcnk. Minden esetben j\u00f3t akart; azt, hogy fejl\u0151djek, tud\u00e1s anyagban \u00e9s p\u00e9nzben is. Viszont olyan er\u0151szakosan \u00e9s r\u00e1men\u0151ssen dikt\u00e1lta a k\u00f6vetend\u0151 utat, ami nekem m\u00e1r sok volt. Nagyon neh\u00e9z volt minden nap \u00e1tgondolni, hogy ma is csak amiatt szidalmaz, mert j\u00f3t akar \u00e9s \u0151 \u00edgy mutatja meg nekem, hogy mi az \u0151 t\u00e1mogat\u00f3 tan\u00e1csa. Ma m\u00e1r sim\u00e1n visszak\u00e9rdezn\u00e9k, hogy foglald \u00f6ssze egy semleges hang\u00adnemben, hogy mi lenne a tan\u00e1csod! Teh\u00e1t neki k\u00f6sz\u00f6nhetem, hogy leperegnek r\u00f3lam mondatok -f\u0151k\u00e9pp azok hangs\u00falya. \u00c9rtve ezalatt, hogy ahelyett, hogy felidege\u00ads\u00edten\u00e9m magam, megpr\u00f3b\u00e1lok kereszt\u00fcln\u00e9zni az indulat cunamin \u00e9s csak azt figyelem, hogy milyen \u00e9rzelmek \u00e1ll\u00adnak a h\u00e1tt\u00e9rben. Neki k\u00f6sz\u00f6nhetem a k\u00fclf\u00f6ldi munk\u00e1m, ez\u00e1ltal az eg\u00e9sz jelenlegi \u00e9letem. Ugyanis az egyik visszat\u00e9r\u0151 mantr\u00e1ja az volt, hogy hagyjam itt \u00e9s menjek haj\u00f3ra dolgozni. \u00c9n pedig nem akartam \u0151 n\u00e9lk\u00fcle \u00e9lni. Azt\u00e1n amikor a k\u00f6vetkez\u0151, fel\u00faj\u00edtott kapcsolatom v\u00e9get \u00e9rt, akkor eszembe jutott, hogy monda, hogy a haj\u00f3n sok p\u00e9nzt lehet keresni.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Az viszont a mai napig is egy \u00e9les t\u00fcske, hogy, ha nem ker\u00fcltem volna a mag\u00e1ncs\u0151d k\u00f6zel\u00e9be, akkor is el\u0151j\u00f6ttek volna a probl\u00e9m\u00e1k? Manaps\u00e1g az (is) a f\u00e9lelmen, hogy minden n\u0151 els\u0151 sz\u0171r\u0151je, hogy az adott f\u00e9rfi k\u00e9pes lesz e a gyermek\u00e1gy ideje alatt plusz k\u00e9t em\u00adbert eltartani? Vajon \u00e9n tudom e ezt a k\u00e9pess\u00e9gem hitelesen prezent\u00e1lni? Vajon t\u00e9nyleg el tudom tartani mindh\u00e1rmukat?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Poszttraum\u00e1s stressz szindr\u00f3ma – PTSD<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[36],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1014","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-naplom"],"yoast_head":"\n!!!2024. febru\u00e1r 21. - Varga Laci<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/laszlo8360.com\/2024-februar-21\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"!!!2024. febru\u00e1r 21. - 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