Dance, Soccer, and Weariness
Now I’m starting to understand that I need to make some changes in my life. I go to more and more parties, but I still feel like there’s a wall in front of me, and I can’t connect with others. Every time I hope that maybe this time it will work, but for some reason, I end up alone every time. It’s thought-provoking to consider what might be the reason for this, but perhaps this is the key to the solution. These are beautifully open questions. Maybe I’ll find the answers to them soon.
Today, I was at a party again, and there was a girl on the dance floor, probably around my age, about 30 years old, who was dancing very enthusiastically, likely a bit tipsy; she was jumping up and down on the dance floor…
What happens if I’m not able to connect with people at the moment, and it shows, or rather, they feel it, and that’s why it’s like there’s a wall in front of me, and the girls bounce back from it.
There were other girls on the dance floor – last night too. And I danced alone the whole time. I still had a good time – today and yesterday. It’s okay like this, but maybe it could be done differently.
This girl today danced just as wildly as I did; so enthusiastically and didn’t care about anyone or anything. She danced and jumped like me. Sometimes she got close to me and always turned back exactly one step ahead of me – without any particular reaction.
I couldn’t connect with her, but maybe with others either.
As for work, it’s a usual worksheet – almost, because my head is filled with pastries, but even she is fed up with me; She’s becoming more and more of a mood person, and my communication skills and dexterity are not improving.
I left for the village at half past nine. We finished so quickly because the three cooks rushed home to watch a soccer match. Today is the final of the European Championship; I admit I also left for the village because of this. I thought I’d sit in the main square and watch the match, and I did. However, it wasn’t just soccer that greeted me, but an amusement park, a dance floor, and a big stage with a band, because today is a national holiday in France, and for them, the holiday comes with a pretty strong party atmosphere.
I stopped in front of the stage, in front of me a fourteen-member band, and when I turned my head to the right, I saw the Spaniards humiliating the English on a big screen.
The band usually plays until two, but I left at quarter to two. It’s a big band: two male dancers, two girls, two female singers, two male singers, three trumpets, two guitars, a synthesizer, drums. They were professionals.
I’m tired, I admit. On Thursday and Friday, I was at a theater festival in Avignon, I got home at five in the morning on Saturday, I slept in the afternoon, after work on Saturday night, I went to the neighboring village to dance, I got home after one in the morning, today I went to the nearby village to watch the match, instead I stumbled into another ball.
Here in the depths of my room, I’m pondering how I could change myself, what’s the reason that there are a lot of women around me, but they simply bounce off me? Why can’t they connect with me? How does it work that I can’t connect with others? What’s the reason behind this? Beautiful, open questions.
July 14, 2024, Sunday
